Day 1: Turning it into a Career

Is it just me, or is it all very confusing? I constantly second guess my decisions, particularly when it comes to parenting. I remember that when Mark and I were courting, I would paint a picture with my words of how amazing it would be to be a Mother and a housewife. To cook, and clean, and make a home. To teach my children music and science and to love the outdoors... maybe I would even home school. To do all of the cleaning and tidying in a jiffy, no biggy. To do all of the families laundy, including Mark's, just because I love him. What an honour.

It's no wonder he married me.

And if in my mind I put up walls against all the things that everyone else in the world are doing, and all the feelings of being a second class citizen for not seeking employment, or negative feelings about not reaching my potential, and the mind numbing neverendingness of it all... That is still what I want.

When I was about 9 or 10, both my Mum and my Dad went to full time work, and looking back I can see that they did a darned good job of it. Better than I think I ever would have with 6 children to raise. And I particularly remember in the difficult teenage years when I had problems at school, and I experienced terrible loneliness, the delight of getting home to the lights all dim, the smell of something in the slow cooker, and Mum being there. I remember feeling like my home was a sanctuary: somewhere I could be weird and reclusive, and still be loved for it.

What I want most is for my children to feel like that about their childhood home. And while other Mums may manage to hold down a career and manage to provide that sort of enriching, happy environment for their kids, I don't think I can at this point in my life. It is liberating and to be honest, a relief to admit that. And with that, I think it's time to let it go. To let go of the idea that what other people think about my parenting choices matters. And that if I should choose to make motherhood my entire career, then so be it.

What I'm saying is that my own attitude needs to change. I need to start wearing the badge of "stay at home mum" with a bit more pride, rather than thinking the grass is greener, and to become more grateful for the fact that I can stay at home. I think I can do this by starting to treat my work like a career, and as a trial I am going to start thinking about how I would be looking after my children and my home if they weren't my children, or my home. What if this was my paid employment. Would I treat my children differently? Would I spend more time learning with them, and playing with them? Would I work harder to keep the house clean, and would I demand the correct breaks, and have a life outside of the work place?

I am somewhat ashamed to say I think I would do a better job at all of those things if it was my employment. But I think that if I start looking at every day with the sort of determination I would if I were at work, coupled with the love that I have for my family, I should be able to do even better. So this is my first step: to start treating it a bit more like a career.