30 Days to Joyful Motherhood

I ask him to put his trousers on a tenth time. Instead he wriggles under the covers and lets out a loud, hyper active scream. This sets Rosie off, and they both scream to each other followed by the sort of cackling that makes you think they know they are driving you crazy. I try to ask again but my request is drowned by another bout of screaming, and I know that I just want to give up. Inside, I feel the weariness gnawing at my soul, a weariness that has been growing for a while.

We had Stake conference this week, and I heard a lot of things that I think I needed to hear, but one thing that particular caught my attention was a metaphor about dehydration. Are we all spiritually dehydrated? I remember the speaker read the symptoms of spiritual dehydration I thought,  “Yep. If that’s spiritual dehydration then I’m a prune.” And not just metaphorically, but literally too. I sometimes feel like over a year of breastfeeding has made my body forget how to deliver water and nutrients to me, rather than my milk.

But that’s beside the point. The point is that when I look in the mirror these days, with real honesty, I see a young Mum who is stretched and who has completely lost spirit. Someone who has forgotten how to look after herself and in doing so, has forgotten how to, or simply run out of energy to focus on the things that are the most important. It’s not easy being a Mum. I should know, as I think I probably have the easiest time of it. I have only two healthy, beautiful, fun, happy children; an amazing supportive husband who I love dearly and who loves me, despite all my inadequacies, very much. He supports me so that I can put my full efforts into raising our children. And not only that, but I also have an amazing, supportive family. I am so grateful for all of those things. But every week in church I hear the phrase "unto who much is given, much is required," or something along those lines. And I feel terrible. Terrible for feeling tired. For feeling like I have no more to give, and yet have such an easy time of it. And in the years when I should surely have more than enough energy for it.

So what can I do about it? I've got to admit the first thing I think of is that a long weekend away with Mark and without the kids would go a long way. And it's true, it would, but it wouldn't solve anything. That's just running away, and not learning or growing. I have been trying to think of a way that I can become the woman I want to be again. The fun, enthusiastic Mum who lives to drink life and to teach her little ones to love it.

And I think I have come up with something.

I have decided to attempt a 30 days to joyful Motherhood project to motivate myself and focus my energies into establishing good things that will (hopefully) last. If it works, it will also be something I can turn to in the future if (or rather, when) I ever feel this way again. And don’t worry, I know there will always be hard days, and there are always challenges in parenting, but this is more about finding ways to build myself to better be able to cope with all the challenges life brings, and to improve family life. And then maybe, as time goes on and I hold onto these things, I will become the strong, able woman I want to be, and able to give more.